It's been a while since I wrote any meaningful journal but here it goes:
I'm going to start with I feel angry at myself. I did a horrible thing that I had no intention of doing and it hurt someone I really really love. I'm not going to say it for privacy reasons. But the general reason was privacy.
It's like Have you ever been so excited about something that you forget everything else? That's what happened to me and it happens more often than it should. It makes me untrustworthy with everyone and even myself. I have no control. I want things perfect. I'm a perfectionist. I am sometimes so perfectionist that I make more mistakes than actually being perfect. This is especially the case involving the ones I love most.
Today was their special day and I ruined it trying to be perfect and make them happy. I lost attention to the fine details, the details I am always scared of missing and those fears came true. Everything is ruined.
Please don't trust me. You can hate me. I deserve it after what I have done.
I apologise for everything.
All this happened now and only a few months after the best time of my life with this person.
We finally got to meet for the very first time it was amazing. I remember much of it all so vividly. We had much fun travelling local places and places in nearby states. This is my love's first time in the states. We went to Waldameer and Niagra Falls. We also went to the movies and ate sushi together. We saw Minions, Inside Out and Pixels. I spent a lot of money, but it was worth it to give them the best time of their life. A good portion of that money was on ice cream as we love ice cream. We helped each other a lot and we became much closer. We didn't get to do everything we wanted, but the most important part is that we got to spend time with each other and enjoy each other. I miss them so much right now and ever since the vacation ended. I will always miss them.
Since then we found out so much about each other and hope to find out so much more.
But lately things seemed to go in the opposite of the intended direction. We seem to have more bad times than good and I and I don't think even we want that. Instead of me being the best time of their life, I have quickly grown to the worst even if I don't mean to be.
We both want to be happy together and make each other happy. We both love to make each other happy. We both worry that what we do to create the happiness and laughter doesn't make the other happy or they don't respond the way we intended and that stresses the both of us. We love and care for each other so much. We both feel the other as most important. We don't want anything to happen to each other. We try harder and harder to make our love grow. We appreciate each other so much. Sometimes though trying to achieve this creates more fear in us. I know I fear, and both of us fear in making mistakes because neither of us want to lose each other. And maybe the more we fear the harder we try to make sure we still love each other. And it cycles because the more I want to say will be like repeating what I said over and over.
I do want/need to say I still love my love and I hope we can make amends. It probably will take time now because I understand that what I did will be hard to forgive. I want to be trustworthy once again.
[If my love reads this I want to let you know I am more than just sorry. You don't have to forgive me because I can't forgive myself. I still love you, I will love you forever *snugglewugglecuddlekisses you* You can always talk to me]
Listening to: .